and I can accept that. But when it gets to this point where it’s taking so much energy out of my body I don’t even have the power to do my normal day to day activities, that’s when I can’t. Can’t. Can’t. Can’t.
Posts tagged life.
I don’t even know how to put it into words anymore. I’m back to square one. I battle these condescending thoughts. A battle against the panic that’s constantly lingering. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m turning into a ghost again. I’m terrified. I don’t want to think about the past. I don’t want to experience the future. I don’t want to do this.
I get this excruciating pain inside me and I feel like I’m about to burst.
I just want to curl up in a ball and scream. I want it all to go away. I want to feel safe.
Spent thanksgiving dinner apart from the boyf for different reasons. It was a bit sad because thanksgiving is all about spending time with the people you love, right?
However, he gets home and he brought me a whole buffet of delicious foods that he made for his family. And for everyone that didn’t already know, he’s a pretty good cook. Also, his sister sent me some pumpkin pie (!!!!!!!). AND, his mom gave me a bunch of mason jars.
So yeah.. That’s one out of the million reasons to why I love him.
But work and life has been so overwhelming lately and last night I just had to call it quits. I keep wondering why people are such assholes. Like, why do you constantly have to be disrespectful and up in everyone’s business like it’s a competition of who you can hurt the most?
I just feel like I’m stuck in a life where people rely on me to clean up their shit. Yeah, that’s kind of my job but seriously, I refuse to wipe asses like this. There is a limit of how much a person can take and mine is definitely crossed.
I let this bring me to zero again. I’m a weak person.
I had to get up at 5am for work and not for the gym, and then go deal with all the bullshit that comes with being a supervisor for a department who is less organized than an earthquake I had a pretty good day.
After getting home and taking a nap and then going to the gym I now feel re-energized. Time for movies and cuddles with the best person in the world. And also, TWO days off.
Omg. This is so my job. Last winter we had a really bad snowstorm. All schools closed. Public transport shut down. People got out of work early to be able to get home before it was too bad. Did my job fucking care, nope. Plus, we didn’t even get food because not a single place was open.
I like the colors, I like pumpkins, I like pumpkin spiced errything, I like sweaters and all. But I don’t like finding a stupid costume that I’m gonna wear for one night and then never again. I spent all afternoon trying to find something to wear but nope. Also, prior to that I spent 2 hours at the gym. Also, prior to that I totally forgot to eat.
Luckily the guys parents are stopping by soon with some food. Hopefully before I starve to death. (Yeah, I know, I’m a grump today).
I received 2 complimentary PT sessions when I switched gyms. Today I had my first session booked. I’m already following a pretty extensive workout schedule and it takes a lot for me to not go through with it. Like, summer equinox or some shit. I know what pain is and I go to the gym, do my reps or miles and I don’t quit until I have reached the goal for the day.
My main reason for using the PT sessions, besides they’re free, was for the PT to check my form since I’ve been starting to lift heavier and heavier. So, when I get to the gym this morning I explain my goals very clearly, PT says he totally understands and proceeds to take my measurements. He declares that my levels are great (Ok, I kinda knew already). Then he tells me that I should follow his really great workout program because it will build muscle without making me buff. Which completely killed my excitement for the session.
1. I’m fucking tired of that attitude. Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean you have to stereotype me.
2. That statement isn’t even true! It’s physically impossible for a girl to become “buff” the way a guy can without taking steroids. We have different bodies and we were not meant to look like that.
3. My goal is to become as “buff” as I can possibly be without relying on any drug so fuck you.
Then this PT starts handing me dumbbells telling me what to do. We get to business and I’m happy to finally start lifting. PT hands me the weights which he feel appropriate. Although I’m telling him they are a bit too light. Then he watches my form while counting reps and stops me before I can even feel it in my muscles. I tell him that I can easily do more whereupon he declares that “nope, you’re tired I can see that it burns”.
This morning I left the gym feeling like I hadn’t worked out at all. If I’m gonna work out I want to feel it, I want to be exhausted when I’m leaving the gym.
Ok, I’m done with my rant about my piece of shit workout. But bad workouts put me in a crappy mood and I just needed to relieve some frustration. Bye.